Diary Of A Lost Soul

I’m waiting for something more. Something that’s lets me know it won’t be this way forever. That in my life I won’t be searching for something that doesn’t really exist. I’m looking for a life with a purpose. Something or someone to live for. Someone to share it all with. I’m looking for my happily ever after but all I seem to come across are facades. Things that seem to be real in the moment but once the moment passes I’m alone… Again. I’ve almost given up. So many times I’ve looked in the mirror and just wondered … Why would anyone even want you anyways … You’re nothing special, you’re just another girl what makes you any different than the next girl? Truth is I can’t even answer that … All I know is I feel helpless. It’s like I’ve been walking in a maze by myself for a long time now and I still haven’t found my way out. I just want to find my other half my purpose.

If you want the truth… I never do stop thinking about you. You’re on my mind all the time even though I know that you shouldn’t be.  It’s harder than people think… forgetting someone who was your everything at one point.  It hurts more than I let on.  I cry even though I know I’m better off without you.  I remember praying that you’d realize how much you meant to me and that you’d feel the same, instead i ended up standing in the fog with the millions of broken pieces of my heart and pride. I’ve tried to move on. Each time I’ve stopped myself. You’ve made me who I am by destroying who I was. I used to always be happy and carefree… you’ve caused me to be afraid of taking the chances I once felt were nothing big. I second guess everything I do.  I’m not sure how to stop the hurt so I put on a facade like i’m okay when the truth is I’m more lost than I’d like to admit.  I think this was your plan. To destroy me, hurt me so much that taking the risk with another is nearly impossible….. Do you even care?

True Love. 

What is it really?

Is it the way your eyes meet from across the room causing your heart to stop?

Or those conversations that always seem to leave you with a smile?

Is it the sweet taste of your lips touching in the moonlight?

Or…Or is it nothing…

The sweet, dark depth of the Pacific,

The vast unknown of our universe?

No one truly knows until you’ve felt for one as I have.

The feeling that at any moment the walls you built up so high for so long can come crashing down around you,

Leaving you vulnerable but taking that leap anyways

That is true love.

October 23, 2012 

I’m still flipping out from yesterday. I’m still mind boggled as to how I actually managed to get the courage to talk to him. I’ve been crossing my fingers praying you’re not already with someone else but who else would you be calling all the time after class? Unless you’re a mamas boy … I’d rather that be the case. I’m nervous and I’ve never been this nervous. I feel like every thought consists of you and can send me into a craze. I’m almost to the point of insanity. It’s amazing how one conversation with you made me forget about the pain from the last.

Crossing my fingers